The sensible driver's fantasy MOTORING DRIVING AMBITIONS: THE MILKMAN In the first of an occasional series, Matthew Gwyther joins milkman Rish Tiwari in his Dream Machine. Download the new.

“I think I might make up some new road rules, based on current driver behaviour”.Source:Sunday Style

OWING TO a unique combination of mortgage stress and laziness, I’ve recently found myself commuting to my various workplaces via the humble motor car.

A bit of a moot point now,as he has been doing it for ages, however.As soon as he passed his driving test(17),he went everywhere. I'm talking 300 m. 'Some drivers are very much on the limit I would say, yeah. But there you are, you can't really change it. I like sensible drivers where you can have a hard fight, but still stay on the circuit. Neither driver or passanger can see each other's ratings. After a probationary number of trips, the driver gets a rolling lifetime average rating in the app, and a weekly average rating via email. Drivers and riders start out with a 5 star rating, so if you encounter a driver with a five star rating they are still on probation.

While this gets me where I want to go, it also causes a great deal of angst among hippies, cyclists and environmental types. However, I’ve recently discovered there are also some other downsides.

I refer, of course, to road rules.

I’m not talking about all that namby-pamby crap your instructor told you, like “always indicate”, “check the rear-view mirror” and “don’t run over pedestrians”. I’m talking about the stuff that actually happens, like doing an illegal U-turn to get to the Macca’s drive-through, or reverse-parking your station wagon into a motorcycle bay.

And so, for the safety of motorists everywhere, I have compiled a list of Real Road Rules as I have observed them in the natural wilds of suburbia. Take heed …

For the safety of motorists everywhere, Joe Hildebrand has created Real Road Rules ...Source:ThinkStock

Entering the road. Be it from a driveway or a kerb-side park, entering traffic is a hazardous enterprise. If your car is parallel to the kerb, simply flick the indicator and pull out immediately — it’s vital you don’t give cyclists a chance to react in case they try to avoid you. If pulling out of a driveway, I find a long blast of the horn usually does the trick. This startles any pedestrians into paralysis long enough for you to give them a little nudge.

Checking your phone. As every driver knows, the most important thing to do once travelling at speed is to check to see if you have any text messages. If you don’t have any, then why not take the opportunity to get up-to-date with your emails? Some fuddy-duddies say this is an activity best saved for traffic lights, but I say: “Life’s too short!”

When you are stopped at traffic lights, why not post that tweet you drafted earlier ...?Source:News Limited

Traffic lights. Inevitably, at some point in a driver’s motoring life, he or she will come across a red light. But far from being a nuisance, this is a great chance to post that tweet you drafted about the situation in Syria. Naturally, you’ll miss the green arrow, but a helpful driver behind you will beep so that you catch it on the orange, thus ensuring yours is the only car to progress through the intersection — not to mention you’ve just done your bit for world peace.

Sensible drivers know the fast lane is not actually for going fast ...Source:News Limited

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The fast lane. Various neo-cons and racists seem to think the fast lane is for going fast, but sensible drivers know it’s for driving in precision tandem with the car on your left, so that nobody on either side can pass. A handy hint is to pick a speed approximately 15km/h below the limit and stick to it, so that everybody arrives at their destination both safely and angry.

Tailgating. If you find yourself stuck behind said vehicle, the only solution is to get within 30cm of their rear bumper and flash your lights. They won’t notice, but it will make you feel better.

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Communication. As all drivers know, particularly women and men in hats, there’s nothing whatsoever on the road that is as important as whatever the person in the passenger seat is talking to you about. Nor is there any sight as pretty as the silhouetted profile of a driver deeply engaged in conversation as the light above him turns red.

Public transport. This is a healthy and environmentally friendly option for many commuters, not least all of the drivers mentioned above.

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